As I said before that unlike many bloggers I do not like to share my every bit of personal life with strangers. I have seen people who at one side say reveal everything to outer world but claim it’s all personal. This is very weird philosophy in my sight but I think the meaning of “personal” is different for different people.

Though I dislike but I know that someone’s personal experience might bring some positive change in others life that’s why I am sharing my today’s activity. Actually today was not special. It’s just I was feeling weird. Weird in a sense that my mood was not so good and one of the main reason that I missed 2 Isha and 2 Tahajud prayers [No I am not showing off. It’s just a lesson to many million ignorant Muslims like me that hope never dies]. I have been trying to be regular for tahajud for last one week and it’s really awesome experience. Since I have a separate room therefore I can offer prayers easily without any external disturbance [yeah Inner disturbance never dies as my old friends Ibless and Nafs always try be with me].

This was not the first time that I had missed Isha neither I am a person who have been regular in Fajr. The issue is that it was very first time that I felt I have lost something. Something was missing. Yes believe me it was very first time [why do I lie to pretend as a genuine Muslim while I am not?] and since it happened twice that is missing of prayers then it made my mood more bad. The feelings occupied me that I had made Allah angry and due to this feeling my starting of day was really not good. I reached office and after an hour I heard a bad news that in our office timings in Ramadan had been extended. In past they were 7:30AM to 1:00PM and now 30 mins have been added more. It did ruin my Boss’ plan who was planning to quit office at 1:00 pm sharp and then offer zohar somewhere in the middle and reach home early. Similarly Friday timings will be 12:30 pm which were 12:00 noon in past. This news made my belief more strengthen that Allah had really got mad at me.

After lunch somebody told that our dept might not be given new laptops and even if they are given then only seniors will be eligible for that because higher management didn’t approve the quota for while department[12 people]. Again, it made me more perplexed. I didn’t know what to do, I just SMSed my younger sister and told all these things. She as usual tried to support me but her words were not enough at all. Suddenly I felt that I was being disappointed. No matter whatever I do to pretend that I never disappoint because I read somewhere that in Islam Disappointment is Kufr but my every action was actually reflecting my disappointment. Now situation was getting worst. I didn’t know what to do. After zohar jamat, one of our namazi bhai arranges a gathering of tableegh which is mainly about different topics about Namaz. Today he read a Hadith which I don’t remember exactly but central idea was that Salat stops one from nasty and unpleasant activities and those who exercise both salat and bad stuff parallel are really idiots[ok this idiot stuff was added by me]Suddenly I realized that I was doing something which was not appropriate. No no please don’t think I was doing something very dirty. I don’t want to share every thing now. I was also not regular to recite darood sharif when doing nothing. Khair I tried to reconcile myself and got ready to not to obey my Nafs. I left office early [15 mins before official time]. I came back to home; sister asked that what was wrong with me. She tied to cheer up and she thought that I was hiding something while I was not. Acha thing is that everything happened weird today. I came back home and as soon as I turn my fan on, power off. It seemed like that whole world was conspiring against me. I was really like a crying baby and felt so uncomfortable that I have really committed some big sin. Ok I share with you. I had decided that I would not see any girl at my office or anywhere on road no matter what and if ever by mistake I see then I would take my sights off. No please don’t consider me like every other desi guy who just stare girls so badly that even guy like me feel ashamed. I am really talking about first sight which usually last for long. Anyway in Islam staring girls or vice versa is not allowed and its considered rape via eyes. I usually keep my gaze lower when I am all aware that girls are around but please do remember I am a human with infinite sins and as I once said that controlling Nafs is not an easy task and since I am being too cautious now therefore my first though went there. After realizing that, I cursed myself infinite times, I imagined myself a person who is coated with every rotten and shitty thing on earth. This feeling did give me a good change but still my disappointment didn’t vanish at all. During shower I really understood the meaning of Disappointment is Kufr. Kufr means rejecting God and start trusting non-Godly things. I was really being an infidel because I was losing faith by getting worried for things which happened today in office like Ramadan timings, laptop etc. Look there are Muslims and then Quran also talks about Momins. The difference which I understand between a Muslim and a momin that momin never lose faith and no matter what they are solid and determined. I am infinite moments away from such people. I have to work hard. It’s difficult but not impossible for anyone. At least it doesn’t appear difficult if you just believe that your Nafs and Ibless are your worst enemy. If you have any material of hatred then utilize all of this on these two buddies, it will not be a bad deal at all.

Pray for me and do take initiative against your Nafoos. The Prophet (SAW) tried to tell that battling with Nafs is not a child’s play. So do fight against your nafs rather you just keep fighting with your husbands, wives, girlfriend or boy friends.

Sorry for yet another lengthy and bogus entry but it’s all about me and since it is my blog therefore I am free to make as lengthy entry as I want [ok I am kidding and I don’t want someone label me selfish after this remarks]. Believe me that I had never ever imagined that I would blog about politics and current affairs. The reason I resumed blogging that I wanted to share my experience about exploring Islam due to different circumstances. I am still waiting for that moment when I share all those things. I know it might not be necessary for someone but I just want to write about it because it would help me in future to figure out many things and till I am determined that after revealing all that personal story I would stop blogging here. I am kinda tired. I never made any deliberate attempt to act like a preacher here neither world today wants to listen others, especially to a guy like me who doesn’t appear compatible with modern world. Khair lets see what happens. I have already offered Isha now and feeling quite better. Pray I get up early.

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This entry was posted on Monday, September 18th, 2006 at 9:17 pm and is filed under Everything . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.